As I’ve navigated this recovery path, it’s been pretty eye-opening in many ways. I’ve been doing a lot of subconscious healing work around trauma for many years now and when I usually trace current triggered reactions or coping behaviors back to their origins, I’ve been able to place them, but when it came to me trying to figure out when body dysmorphia set in and when I began obsessing about controlling my body, it still remains a bit foggy.
What I do know is that I became aware of my body and comparing it to other girls as far back as 5 years old in ballet class. And in my case, I would say there were multiple factors at play for how it continued to snow ball, including societal pressures/influences, “Seventeen Magazine” (god, I did love that magazine though ;-), family dynamics and trauma (including inherited trauma).
I say all this to lead to what this looked like for me today, in the hopes it might help others or shed light on just how damn prevalent disordered eating and body image issues are in our society. It’s staggering, really, once you awaken to it and then notice it all around you.
Lets start with a few simple definitions of terms, per the Mayo Clinic.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder: A mental health disorder in which you become obsessed or can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.
This disorder often begets eating disorders, such as anorexia — an eating disorder characterized by an abnormally low body weight, an intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of weight; bulimia — a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder where people may secretly binge, eating large amounts of food with a loss of control over the eating, and then purge, trying to get rid of the extra calories in an unhealthy way; and binge-eating — a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating.
What was tricky about the one I was dealing with is that it’s quite overtly supported by the $70 billion dollar diet and exercise industry.
Most people are familiar with the type of bulimia that entails purging food after eating or a binge. But there is also a kind of bulimia called exercise bulimia, where your version of “purging” is through exercising or, more specifically, over-exercising. I would literally exercise and watch the calories being burned, picturing the food I ate that day and watching it go “poof.”
For me, and many people, eating disorders are about control (and comfort, as a result of control). Perhaps I felt out of control about certain areas of my life and so controlling my body was how I coped. And when you over exercise and/or restrict (as many diets call for), a binge is always around the corner. And then comes the shame and punishment. And so it becomes a vicious cycle.
Food/calories and exercise were what I thought about from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. It took up A LOT of real estate in my mind. And that obsessive compulsiveness was especially intense after going through loss and immense heartbreak a few years ago. So during lockdown last year, I finally decided to face what my body had been trying to tell me for a long time. I had a problem. And if I didn’t heal myself, my body would continue to break down one way or another. I recognized that my mind and my body hadn’t been communicating for a long time. That’d I’d been abusing her and trying to control her. I was ignoring her cues, be it hunger and satiated cues or being overworked cues.
My body was a very jaded lover. And it would take me some time to woo her back.
I knew I had to set myself up to succeed. I couldn’t do this on my own. I had to have help/support. So I began reading books like “Body Respect” and the “Intuitive Eating Guidelines.” I joined a virtual support group, worked with my therapist and worked with an eating disorder mentor. I also worked with an intuitive eating, holistic-based dietician. Rewiring a brain that has been so indoctrinated with the messages of the diet/exercise culture is no small feat, let me tell you. The voices in my head are still loud and strong some days. The reality is, I genuinely love exercising. I love boxing. I love feeling strong and feeling my heart beat and my skin flushed and my brain working to balance me and move me. But the motive behind it is what takes it from healthy to unhealthy. And rewiring that is the hardest part of this journey for me.
I compare it to the movie “A Beautiful Mind,” in that I hope to one day get to the point where those voices are no longer talking to me at all, even if I sense them still there in the background. My mind also came up with the visual of a river separating two lands and I’ve jumped from one side into the river, flailing at times, but slowly making my way to the other side.
My take-aways thus far — We are sentient beings and food is tied to our emotions and culture. This is not abnormal. This is normal. Sometimes, we emotionally eat, sometimes we overeat. This is also normal. Our bodies all have their own unique “set-point” weight where they feel they can operate the most optimally. And they will fight to get to that weight no matter how much we try to control them (and that weight fluctuates throughout life). Our bodies are meant to change and adapt as life changes. We are more than our bodies.
I don’t know where this journey will take me. But the intention I’ve been putting out to the Universe has been to manifest a healthy relationship with my body, with food and with movement. And I’m trusting, through all these ups and downs, I will get there <3
Resources I’ve used or been referred to include ERC (Eating Recover Center), ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders), ERC Support Groups and licensed dietician Kara Bolon. If anyone wants to talk more about this with me, I am absolutely here to listen to and support you ❤️ Please reach out anytime (440-382-0188 or cshofar@gmail.com).
Love,
~C~