As I sit down to type this post, my hands are shaking. I’m acutely aware of the adrenaline pumping through my veins, my heart racing, my breath catching. I look out my window at the beautiful, sun-kissed water I am so blessed to see each day, I mindfully take three deep breaths and I keep typing. It’s been some time since I’ve chosen this venue of vulnerability. Many reasons play into that, but ultimately, they don’t matter. Because here I am. And I’m about to get real.
I am currently recovering from body dysmorphia and an eating disorder.
And — equally terrifying — I am going back to school for a master’s degree in clinical mental health counseling.
During the “Great Reset” last year, like some of us, I took time going inward, reflecting and diving into what felt like an endless abyss of fear, trauma, anxiety and confusion. At times, I felt like I was losing my mind, becoming unhinged, thrashing around and grasping for air at the surface. Other times, I felt like I had ventured so deep, all I experienced was gentle darkness, stillness and quiet.
Desperate for control over something, my — unbeknownst to me at the time — disordered eating and exercising behaviors increased. And a body that already had been showing me signs of exhaustion, overuse and abuse for years began screaming at me. Only this time, I finally listened.
I began researching body dysmorphia, binge-eating and exercise bulimia and the amount of checked boxes in front of me was overwhelming. But the thing is, once you fully realize what you’ve been afraid to see, there’s no going back. So I began the journey of recovery, reached out for help through support groups, reading materials, therapy and mentorship.
I’ll be writing more on this later, but frankly speaking, this has been one of the scariest, most uncomfortable, yet most enlightening journeys I’ve taken thus far. This trauma-based control cycle has been ingrained in me since I was a child and that kind of mental rewiring — let’s just say, it’s no small feat. But the support I have is incredible. And I am so grateful for each person who is helping me every step of the way ❤️
All in Divine Timing
Simultaneously last year, a soft nudge I’d been getting internally since my early 30s began turning into a loud thump. In 2018, instead of going back to school as I had been exploring, I was guided to get certified in holistic psychotherapy coaching, which, unbeknownst to me then, began laying the foundation of this path.
Today marks the day I officially accepted my student loan for the clinical mental health counseling program at Cleveland State University.
Similar to recovery, this new adventure is terrifying. But similar to when I started yoga therapy training, reiki training and all the others, I feel it in my soul and in my bones. Truth be told, it’s been a whisper in my ear since the buzz I felt during the first psychology class I took in college. And just like with my body, I’m finally listening.
I am grateful to all who have been supporting me as I’ve begun these journeys. And I plan to continue leaning into the fears and vulnerability as I share them with you 💕🕉🙏
Love,
~Cassandra~